Milestone Time Again…

…and a chance to give myself a congratulatory pat on the back for an achievement which couldn’t even be contemplated just a couple of years ago. The milestone in this case being, that this is article #300 to be published on this website in the 15 months since it began.

A few statistics, but not too many, or I’ll end up sounding like a Tory. Three hundred articles containing an average of 600 words each amounts to some 180,000 words. To put that into perspective, that’s the equivalent of three average length novels or a third of ” War and Peace “. Not bad for an old soak, even though I say it myself, considering I could barely sign my own name 5 years ago. On some occasions I had trouble remembering it.

Of course, just because I’ve found the ability to put 180,000 words in order on my computer’s monitor, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are all good words arranged in well constructed sentences. I’m quietly pleased with much of my work but I’m well aware that some of it doesn’t even scratch the surface of what might be considered ” good prose “.

However, for me, that isn’t the sum total of the purpose of doing this. Recovery from addiction, like everything else we choose to invest our time and ourselves in, should have some long term benefits. Otherwise, what is the point of doing it ? If I didn’t find pleasure and satisfaction in what I do, with no financial incentive, then I’m doing it wrong.

I had many opportunities to embrace a different lifestyle during the performing years. Each time I was buoyed with the exhilaration of my newly found sobriety and set about radically changing everything in my life. Which is no bad thing. Just not all at once. My brain had never had time to recover and was still divided between the life I aspired to and the disaster area I had not long departed. Its not hard to guess which one prevailed, and the time span between each episode became shorter, until barely negligible, as time went by.

Not until we stop using whichever substance we use, do we who choose an addictive lifestyle realise that it comes with no benefits…at all. There are no profits. We aren’t on a ladder to the top of our profession. The only ladders to be scaled are in a downward direction.

Our drug of choice doesn’t tell us that, of course. It convinces us otherwise and our drug affected brains tell us that we are doing the right thing, no matter that the body is screaming for vitamins and food, and that we writhe in self induced pain and discomfort until our drug can be administered. Only then do we experience a peace of sorts, which brings with it , the inspiration to seek out more sources of what, we are now convinced, works for us.

Many in recovery start from whichever lowly position in society they have managed to attain, and can’t be blamed for trying to extricate themselves from the situation they find themselves in. My personal choices to relapse came from the sheer dissatisfaction in whatever I had, all too quickly, set out to do, and reverting to addiction was what I knew best. It was the only way I knew of stamping my foot and getting my own way. Which also ensured a hasty exit from the situation I was in.

Previously, I was always in a hurry to get to some unknown destination. Although, this time, the final destination is still unclear, apart from the obvious, there have been many stops along the way. These stops and the short journeys in between have given me chance to get to know myself a bit better. To find out what my likes and dislikes really are and allow my brain time to heal. A chance to develop real emotions and opinions, and experience real freedom of choice on a personal level.

No one said reality was easy, and at times it might seem preferable to revert to type, but I, personally, couldn’t do it all over again, nor want to. The time I have invested in where I am today is the best investment I’ve ever made. I’ll never be rich or have a well provided for lifestyle, but by allowing myself time to learn about myself, I’ll be able to make informed decisions about how my future is shaped.

So, to all in recovery, remember to pat yourself on the back for even the smallest achievements. No one else will, because they see what you are doing as ” normal “, and haven’t the slightest idea of how much personal angst, courage and personal resolve it has taken to accomplish the simplest of tasks. All the personal pats on the back lead to something much more valuable, which is self approval and inner confidence.

P.S. Don’t be straining any muscles by reaching over your shoulder. Just saying to yourself ” Well done ” once in a while fulfills the same purpose.

SoberVision

more to come…

Self Consciousness – The Greatest Obstacle to Creativity…

…is a premise which might apply to many of we aspiring creators and because of this self consciousness, many promising futures in art, writing and music have been stopped in their tracks by the  self imposed idea that the work we produce is not good enough.

Good enough for what ? This depends very much on the end purpose of many hours spent producing a personal work of art. Many artists choose to make a living from their work and these people must be supremely self confident in the knowledge that their work is good enough for the public to spend money on their products.

Just as many , if not more, do the rounds of galleries and publishers and auditions and are rewarded with the confidence draining experience of rejection.

Taking writing as an example, I wonder how many unfinished or barely started literary efforts are lying in blue and pink folders, in cupboards under the stairs all over the country. All because someone suddenly decided for themselves that no one would want to read their work anyway. Paraphrasing Ian Rankin, he said that in order to be a successful writer, first off one has to write, and write a lot. Then one has to get lucky ( publisher etc ), and stay lucky.

Authors will tell you that it is very hard to make a living from writing but I can’t help but think that there is a bit of underlying self interest involved. Writing is a cut throat business and, with the advent of computers, publishers are inundated with manuscripts from all quarters and can afford to be selective as to which titles they wish to see on the bookshelves attached to their name. Marketing is strategically fierce and self publishers can find themselves sunk without trace because of the affordability of taking part in the race.

So why would anyone want to dip their toe in the shark infested pool which is the literary world ?

Personally, I still regard it as a minor miracle that  I began and persevered with what started off an exercise. A miracle, because of my life dedicated to addiction and all the pitfalls which came as part and parcel of that. A miracle, because I was at my lowest ebb mentally and even lacked the self confidence to go to a shop alone. My saving grace was my lifelong interest in computers and the ability to accomplish most tasks on them. However, I knew that, if and when I started to write, it wasn’t going to be something that was put in a drawer and forgotten about and I published what I wrote on a free WordPress site, and eventually built my own site.

I’ve never made a single penny from writing and I don’t suppose I ever will. I’m plagued by self consciousness and as long as that is present I’m unlikely to realise my full potential. I sometimes wonder how many other people are in the same boat. Afraid to say something because it might offend someone. Afraid to say something which may sound pretentious to others. Afraid of stirring up the trolls who might wish to offer their own particular brand of critique. Deciding which side of the fence to be on as the already small readership is divided. Going with or against the flow of internet opinion. Afraid that the research on a topic is erroneous thereby risking the little integrity that had been built thus far. Afraid, mostly, that no one will like your work and therefore , you personally.

Despite all that, I’ve kept writing and publishing several times a week. The reason being that it is good for me and that’s what is important. I’m not saying that other people’s opinions are irrelevant because we all like to have our ego massaged now and again and I still get a buzz when an author follows me on Twitter. This is usually to promote their own latest work and I doubt if they even glanced at mine, but I’m grateful nonetheless.

Its difficult to get over the self consciousness hurdle and I can understand completely why people start then stop after a short period. The computer and internet have taken much of the hard work out of writing. No more having to sit in libraries, surrounded by a pile of reference books and taking copious notes on an A4 pad with a pen ( remember them? ), then going home to assimilate the information into something which others will understand. It can mostly be done from the comfort of your own home.

I’ve found, with writing, that my approach of not expecting anything at the end of it, rarely leaves me disappointed. I still have the satisfaction of having accomplished something which was totally alien to me just a few short years ago and it lets me express my current thought processes which are more more beneficial to me in an article, than buzzing around my head all day.

I mentioned before how therapeutic writing can be and I would recommend it to anyone. Don’t worry about what you are going to write about. Our present governments are supplying us with fresh material every day, which is just begging for our opinion.

SoberVision

more to come…

Individual Thought Processes Differ Enormously…

…but I often wonder how much time an individual spends on original thought these days.

The type of thinking which is encouraged by laying down somewhere peaceful for an hour with some soft music playing in the background. The kind of music, someone may remember, which has a melody and flows gently and uninterrupted towards its final phrase, enhancing the stressless relaxation which allows one to think freely. Unlike the music of today which is simply thinly veiled monotonous propaganda encouraging thoughts in our young people which they would never entertain in the normal course of a day.

The art of thinking for ourselves has become almost non existent because of the technology we are surrounded with and made readily available to each and every one of us by some means. We all like a bargain. In fact, I rarely buy any technology online which I don’t consider to be a bargain, simply because its not affordable for me otherwise. However, these ” bargains ” ensure that the required technology ends up in the living room of those whom companies and corporations wish to target.

The most destructive device of individual thinking is television. Laying down for an hour, as described above, would be impossible if someone was harnessed to a television schedule. It might even be regarded as a waste of time, which could be spent more profitably by watching something interesting on television.

Television now intrudes on every aspect of our lives, and intentionally so. It tells us how to prepare for childbirth and how to raise and educate our kids when they arrive. It tells us how to manage our finances and what budget we should put aside for life events i.e marriage , retirement and house buying to mention a few. It tells us where to go on holiday and what to take with us, thereby removing any sense of adventure. It tells us what to eat and how much. Also, how to prepare it.

It tells us which clothes we should be wearing at any given time and where we should shop for the items they display. It tells us how to sleep and which bed we should have in order to attain it. It tells us to go to the doctor if we have any symptoms of a current virus, so that when you try to make an appointment there are none free for the next 6 weeks. Legal advice is always available at some point during the day and if you are a gardener, there are many programmes which are dedicated to that subject also. It tells us how we should vote and how we should feel about a world situation. It even tells you what you should be watching next.

I could go on, but I think the picture is pretty clear. Television is the ultimate propaganda machine and has a prominent place in most peoples’ homes. Both television and newspapers rely on advertising for their survival. Content is secondary, although they have to make the effort to keep us reading or watching what they have inserted between the ads. Television news is not only ” fake news “, its an example of the worst kind of journalism imaginable. Journalism was never intended to be a instrument of direction or misdirection, but rather as a factual reporting mechanism.

Television removes the effort of thinking and joy of discovery from our lives, leaving us more time to deal with the important things in life, like working and buying stuff. I can remember the sense of achievement I felt when, after a few botched attempts, I was able to change my children’s nappies. Nowadays, young people are expert at these things without there being a child anywhere on the horizon. Sadly, not so expert when it comes to thinking and working out things for themselves.

I stopped watching television ( apart from Formula 1 ) some years back, in early recovery from my addiction to alcohol, partly because I felt something was missing when I sat watching the usual programmes, but mainly because of how mind-numbingly boring it became. I objected to being bombarded with irrelevant advertising and subliminal ( sometimes blatant ) moralistic innuendoes in the main feature.

After a week of no television, I began to feel a sense of freedom from the shackles which bound me to my armchair and a sense of victory over those who would have me glued to a television screen all day in order to satisfy their agenda.

So I swapped a television screen for a computer monitor, some might say. Maybe so, but at least I have an element of control in what I do during my time here and complete choice in what I elect to watch or study. The internet is full of advertising which is easily ignored if I’m focused on the topic I’m researching. Pop-up and unsolicited ads annoy the hell out of me , but not for too long, and it irks me some that someone might be gathering data about me. However, I take some consolation in that the main object of intrusion is sitting silently until the next Formula 1 meeting or until my wife comes home.

Meanwhile, I’ll have a cup of tea, roll a cigarette, stick the headphones on, listen to Acker Bilk playing ” Strangers on the Shore ” and ruminate about what I’m not going to conform to next.

SoberVision

more to come…

Simple Pleasures Are Often The Most Elusive…

…I find, as I struggle to get a good night’s sleep. A simple thing like sleeping should just come naturally. Its not a unique experience by any means. Everyone does it at some point during a normal day but the pleasure of waking up to a new day, after a good rest, still eludes me.

I wouldn’t categorise myself as a complete insomniac. I don’t sit up all night, although I physically get out of bed several times, and return in the hope that sleep will come. Which it does infrequently, albeit in the form of a conscious and restless effort to remain semi comatose.

I’m reminded of the first weeks of recovery when my body and brain went through so many simultaneous changes, and I spent so many totally sleepless nights that I was begging for just one night’s sleep. Eventually it came, and I can remember feeling deliciously refreshed and wide awake and alert once more. Times when this has recurred have been few and far between during 5 1/2 years of abstention from alcohol and associated substances.

Therefore, my daylight hours are spent in a kind of torpor. I feel drained and lethargic and I procrastinate shamelessly. Sometimes its an effort to do the simplest tasks and like a martyr I drag myself out for my daily walk around the village. I don’t involve myself with others as that would potentially mean extra work and extra thinking which can be painful at times, as I wrestle still with the ghosts of my past.

This might sound a lot like depression, and perhaps there is some present in the mix, but if I was seriously depressed I wouldn’t be sitting here writing about it, nor anything else for that matter. I have anti depressant medication which I take as prescribed. Ironically, one is meant to help me sleep, but doesn’t, although I suspect it could be the reason I feel lethargic throughout the day, apart from lack of sleep. It would come as such welcome respite just to enjoy a complete night’s rest once more in my own bed.

Respite did come briefly on a recent visit to my stepdaughter and family. Every night I was there, I slept the whole night through and I hoped that this pattern might continue when I got home again. Not the case, sadly. I’ve tried my best to figure out what was different and the reasons why this happened, but other than being in different surroundings with lovely people, I can’t put my finger on any one particular cause.

Unless, of course, it was being in different surroundings and remote enough from my circumstances at home which allowed me a bit of peace of mind. Having put some distance between us and a certain third party may have let me relax. Perhaps the subconscious knowledge that when the phone rang it wasn’t for me, helped. We were too far removed from any situation which might require our attention to be able to do anything immediately. Now we are back in the fray and subject to all that goes along with making oneself available to help an ailing elderly relative with mental health issues.

I never recognised this tension before now and perhaps I’ve solved part of my problem. We enjoy a relaxed atmosphere in our home and I try to take it with me wherever I go, but obviously there must be some underlying stress which is related to what we do outwith our home.

Recovery comes with a conscience in most cases and that prevents me from walking away from the problem, so I have to find another way of dealing with it, now that I know what I’m dealing with.

Then, perhaps, much wanted sleep will come once more.

SoberVision

more to come…

Many Opportunities For Reflection Arise…

… during a person’s recovery from addiction, Some of these opportunities are welcome and some not so. However its an essential part of recovery for me and lets me know how I’m doing.

So, how am I doing ? Like everyone else, I have my good days and bad days, but alcohol or non prescription drugs never enter the equation. On many days , I wonder how I will make it through to bedtime as I sit here flicking the pages back and forth, unable to motivate myself to do something constructive, but I know that the answer to my quandary doesn’t lie in a glass. This is sobriety and life as others lead it.

This may come as a disappointment, but stopping drinking doesn’t automatically grant a person access to extraordinary privileges. The perfect job or perfect partner isn’t likely to be just around the corner and money is as tight as ever as it gets spent on things like rent and council tax and food and bus fares. Things which never had to be taken into consideration when drinking.

This can be bewildering for a person stopping drinking for the first time, and becomes no less bewildering following a relapse. At these times the recovery services can be helpful in providing a soft landing, as the aftershock leaves someone feeling raw and lonely and unloved as the initial congratulatory pats on the back become more infrequent.

For every person trying to gain a sober lifestyle, there is a way of doing it, and although there may be similarities, no two ways are ever the same, but the common denominator running through each, is an unfettered desire to stop drinking. The most important thing for me was to be myself, which was difficult, as I was dealing with an unknown quantity.

I attended meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous for many years, had one to one counselling and many visits to psychiatric hospitals and clinics, to no avail. After 20 years of this, I began to lose hope of ever attaining a respectable period of sobriety and giving life a chance. Then it began to dawn on me that, although I learned a lot and met many interesting people in these places, I just never seemed to fit in. Although I tried, particularly in AA, something just didn’t feel right. I was too busy trying to find a role model and taking advice from others that I had totally forgotten about myself.

In itself, this was confusing , because I could see the evidence of how AA benefited many individuals in the meetings I attended. Each time I got that feeling one gets when you intuitively know that you are entirely in the wrong place and what is being transmitted makes you feel uncomfortable. I kind of knew what I should do but was afraid to take the chance. One reason being the nagging question, ” What if I’m wrong ?”, since I was no stranger to making erroneous decisions. The other reason being that I didn’t want to appear ungrateful and risk hurting the feelings of those who were trying to help.

Slowly I began to realise that , to be myself, I had to spend a lot of time by myself, think things through myself, adjust to my circumstances, evaluate my priorities and deal with situations in my own way. Not postponing it till I had had the chance to discuss it with someone else before making the final decision. Patience and allowing myself time to recover have been invaluable tools. Time is a great healer and not to be rushed.

I must stress that this has been my way of dealing with my addiction and five years on I’m proud to still be sober. I would never discount the recovery services which have almost certainly provided the foundation for the recovery I have today and would encourage anyone to try those first. I don’t sit here smugly. I’m just as vulnerable as the next person, but the distance I maintain between alcohol and myself gives me a fighting chance.

I can say the word ” myself ” with a fair degree of confidence these days and that alone is a part of recovery which makes it the overwhelmingly more attractive option.

SoberVision

more to come…

The Joys Of Blogging…

…are many and varied and a great deal of satisfaction comes from my dubious literary efforts. Blogging was never part of my plans until almost a year ago and on a personal level it has helped greatly in my recovery.

I’m not a professional writer and I haven’t done any of the numerous courses which are available for those who wish to self publish or be recognised in the literary world. My blog has not ” taken off “, thankfully, and not many people have seized upon the opportunity to read my work.

I say ” thankfully “, not seeking sympathy, but in recognition of the advantages which come through keeping my internet presence relatively low-key.

I’m not sure if I will ever write really well, but in order to do so takes practice, I feel. And more and more practice. I’ve often admired an author’s personal style which keeps me intrigued in what he has to say. I expect, in some cases, that this comes through natural talent, but that in most , it’s the result of hard work and writing, writing, writing.

Looking back at some of the stuff I’ve written over the past year, its as if I’ve been unconsciously experimenting with different styles, and I am still, to a degree. However, I can tell now when I’m in a place where I feel comfortable and , therefore, more productive. Just because I feel comfortable with a certain style doesn’t automatically mean that readers will find it so, and over the next year I plan to try and reach a wider audience and attempt to elicit some constructive feedback.

One of the authors I follow on Twitter once said that ” writers thrive on feedback “, otherwise they are totally unaware of which direction their work is taking them and if they are doing the right thing to encourage readers to buy their books. Likewise, the blogger needs feedback and to be challenged on his opinions now and then or he is in danger of assuming the misconception that his views are always right because no one argues with him.

For me that is part of the joy of being a blogger versus a commercial author or journalist. I don’t answer to a publisher or an editor and there is no financial gain for me in what I write or the opinions I express. I haven’t been moulded through my education into a structure whereby I have to follow the established rules, therefore the opinions I express are my own and I can say whatever I want , constrained only by my own set of values and not those of corporate bureaucracy.

In a society where freedom is becoming a luxury item, freedom of speech through writing is one of the last bastions of individuality and expressionism. Academics publish books regularly which question the way of the world and society, but the knowledge within is unlikely to filter through to us bottom feeders first hand. Only after being suitably spun and fed to the present batch of certain university students will it reach our schoolchildren in a form which is suited to the societal order of the day. Non conforming texts are ignored and priced accordingly , to keep them out of the reach of the ordinary citizen.

So, its a conundrum, because people have to earn money to support their lifestyles and its only right that someone should be paid for their work. In today’s climate it would seem that the best way to express oneself honestly is to do it with no financial gain in sight. Rather, undertake the work for the pleasure it brings when you see the completed article on the page.

Somehow I don’t see that particular hypothesis catching on. And there is absolutely no reason why it should. Any author is worth the money we pay for the entertainment or knowledge they provide and the memories and emotions that their books provoke. Wouldn’t it be nice to know their secrets ?

Perhaps not. I would much rather try to unlock whatever is hidden inside myself and continue my journey unrestrained.

SoberVision

more to come…

Christmas Would Not Be Christmas…

…if I didn’t at least touch upon the subject of Christmas and how I deal with what could be a precipitous time for a recovering addict.

The short answer is that I treat it as I do any other day of the week to the best of my ability. This is by no means easy for some, when celebrations are in full swing all around you, and especially in the early days.

The bottom line is that it all depends how much you want sobriety. If you are at the stage when your sole object in life is achieving sobriety and the lifestyle that comes with it, then you will sail through the day, and the next day, and many more after that. If , however, you have allowed yourself to become carried away by the hype of the run up to Christmas and  you feel you are missing out on something and are telling yourself “Its not fair”, then your defences have been smashed and a drink or several are imminent.

I’ll be the first to admit that its not an ideal situation to be in, when everyone around you is drinking alcohol. Its so easy to forget about what happens when we drink. Its human nature for most people to want to fit in with the crowd. In this particular instance, this means taking alcohol. The mental arguments begin and a battle with logic and common sense :

” Maybe it will be different this time “, I would say to myself. “Maybe I can just have a couple and tomorrow I’ll climb back on the wagon. After all , if these people can do it then so can I. I’m just the same as them at the end of the day.”

On sober reflection, I can ask myself ” Why should it have been different this time ?” This theory had been tried and tested and turned upside down and inside out over the years and the result had always been the same. This thinking was potentially the precursor to many months of misery ahead. Yet, I clung with hope to the one millionth of a percent chance that things would be different this time. In short , I wanted to drink, and if I’m honest, I wanted to drink long before this opportunity presented itself and gave me the excuse which I felt was necessary justification for what came next.

Over the years it has become easier with my ” just another day ” approach and we enjoy a special day together with gifts and special food and a nod in the general direction of Christmas. Alcohol just doesn’t come into my equation any more , although it is present in some form or other. The difference is that its not ” my ” alcohol. I didn’t buy it for my or anyone else’s consumption. Its part of someone else’s plan for Christmas day but has no place in mine.

Lastly…

I might be stating the bleeding obvious , but drinking and driving don’t go together. Please leave the car at home if you are going out. After a couple of drinks we are mentally and physically impaired ( yes, we are ) and unfit to be operating a lawn mower, never mind a speeding projectile like a car. One moment of forethought can spare a lifetime of misery and regret.

Here endeth today’s lecture.

SoberVision

more to come…

Becoming Sixty…

…was never at the forefront of my plans. However, yesterday, I hit that very milestone of sixty years old. Its offered me the golden opportunity of looking back on my life and thinking, ” Well, you fucked that bit up good and proper….whats next ?”

I was actually quite happily bobbing along in my fifties, trying not to think too hard about the time when my fifties would expire. But the dreaded day arrived and there was not one thing I could do to prevent it. I know now how the remain voters and American democrats must feel. Something unstoppable just happened and it hasn’t sunk in yet.

When the single greatest achievement of one’s life so far is attaining sobriety, it doesn’t leave one much time to make one’s mark on the world. The balance is well and truly tipped in the downward direction, when people of my age are expected to slowly dematerialize from the more important functions of society and allow the younger generation to flourish. Or not , as the case may be.

Because , I have no intention of deferring to youth. I have a new weapon in my battle for recognition, if that’s what I desire. The bus pass.

For years my scope of travel has been limited by affordability, denying me the chance of exploring other places and events in my own country. This has now become no object, and I intend to take full advantage of it, in order to catch up with all the recent developments in Scotland which were but words and pictures before. The possibilities are many, and may provide material for interesting articles in the future.

Other positives are hard to find at first glance, but for anyone else worrying about entering their sixties, they are there.

” Senior moments “, for example. They aren’t something I’m prone to and I guess not many people are at this age, but no one else knows that. Given the current young person’s attitude towards us older citizens, the naughtier side of me can see endless opportunities for a bit of fun. Any younger person reading this should take heed that we may be older but we aren’t stupid. Therefore, beware the senior moment, it might not be what you expected.

Another word of advice to anyone approaching the big six oh, is, don’t let the grumpiness bother you. Instead, use it to your advantage in applicable situations and you’ll find that you soon get your own way. Worth bearing in mind is that kids of today are apparently having the time of their lives and their heads are so far up their own arses that they don’t give a shit about anecdotes from our own upbringings, so they should be avoided at all costs. Anecdotes too.

So here I sit, finally in my sixties, not wishing for yesterday or the day before. To coin a phrase from Alcoholics Anonymous, I’m glad to be here and grateful to be sober and I’m already planning a series of “senior moments “, which I will share here, as and when they occur.

SoberVision

more to come…

Emotional Excesses…

…are strangers to my lifestyle. I think that years of addiction has deadened some of the senses I once knew. Therefore, I am not prone to emotional excesses and find it hard to get excited about things.

Until yesterday, that is. It was the final race of the 2016 Formula 1 season and there was a two way battle for who would be crowned World Champion. I’ll lay my cards on the table here and say that I wanted Nico Rosberg to win. Just by way of a change really. There are other drivers further down the rankings whom I would have preferred as a champion, but their day is yet to come.

Over the years I’ve become a bit disenchanted with Formula 1 as the same driver takes the championship , year in , year out, and its very boring. We, in recent times, had the Schumacher years, then the Vettel years , and we have just emerged from the Hamilton years. I’m not saying that its their fault for having won the championship so often. However, they have all had the same benefit of a good car. And one thing that’s essential for winning races is a good car.

Nico Rosberg was no different. Mercedes seem to have found the key to performance and the other teams are playing catch up. But it will be refreshing to hear Rosberg’s name mentioned in the same sentence as World Champion, instead of being mentioned only as Lewis Hamilton’s team mate.

I, out of necessity, am confined to watching the races via terrestrial television, so I’m subjected to the same biased commentary at each race and much as I would like to hear about what is going on, I’ve got into the habit of the turning the sound down.

Yesterday, however, I found myself nervously anticipating the start, then the relief, as all the cars made it off the grid and Rosberg slotted himself into second place, which was all he needed to take the championship. As the race unfolded, Hamilton started to use some tactics in order to try and make Rosberg vulnerable to attack from the two cars behind him. It was the longest final 10 laps of a race I’ve ever watched. At one point I wanted to walk out of the room and come back when it was all over. I stayed and watched as Vettel started to make his move to overtake Rosberg, but Rosberg successfully defended and the race ended with him taking his rightful place.

By this time I was a nervous wreck. I was physically shaking and unable to say much and surprised at how deeply involved I had become in the event and even more surprised at my reaction, as the tension drained from my body to be replaced with an immense sense of relief that it was all over. A long walk helped to return things to “normal” and also gave me the chance to think about how I’d felt. Although I had been prised from my usual “Iceman” exterior, perhaps its another step forward in my recovery and a sign that things are ever so slowly starting to repair.

Much has been made about Lewis Hamilton’s superior driving skills over Rosberg’s in the last part of the season. We will probably never know the truth, but Rosberg’s last few races were faultless. He knew what he had to do to win the championship and he did exactly that. Instead of going out in a blaze of glory and demonstrating heroics which might have cost him the championship, he carefully guided his car through the last few races and deserved the success which was his reward. That takes inner strength and courage and a curbing of the natural instinct of the racing driver.

So, the end of the Formula 1 season also heralds the end of my television watching season and I thank all the teams for providing me with some great entertainment over the past few months.

SoberVision

more to come…

Happy Thanksgiving…

…and my best wishes for a peaceful and enjoyable holiday weekend to all my American readers and friends who make this all worthwhile. A belated Happy Thanksgiving I know, but meant in all sincerity.

I only had the privilege of celebrating Thanksgiving, American Style, once in my life. This took place on board a floating dry dock, ” Los Alamos “, which was part of a US naval base in the Holy Loch in Argyll. We were a small team of sub contractors employed to resurface some of the floor areas which had become worn over time. The period we were there included Thanksgiving and we were invited to join the crew for a Thanksgiving lunch. I have to say its one of the best and most memorable meals I’ve had and this time of year brings that particularly pleasant memory flooding back.

On a Recovery Note.

Its a great temptation at these times for someone who is prone to adverse alcohol effects and who has been on the wagon for some time, to fall off the wagon, with disastrous results. Its very easy to become buoyed by the atmosphere and start looking for some way to enhance the feeling, as was our habit. I will freely admit that this has happened to me on many occasions and I will freely admit now , that part of me knew already that a drink was on the cards and was ready to take responsibility for the result which ensued, which was never pretty.

I stay back from these situations these days. People might think that I’m a party pooper but its my way of dealing with the situation. If I were to indulge myself then the party would be well and truly pooped upon. Other people have different ways of dealing with it and can quite happily go into social situations and enjoy the event without ever thinking of alcohol. I can’t. I’ve done all the self tests and failed miserably each time. As an alcoholic, it wasn’t just the one occasion which was the problem. It was the coming days and months and years of pain for myself and those around me as my life was reduced to crumbs of self pity once more.

Still On a Recovery Note (almost)

Its very difficult to go on social media or read the news and avoid the presence of Donald Trump. And why should I be any different?

Once I had cleared the mud slinging attacks I was very surprised ( or maybe not ) to learn that Donald Trump has never taken alcohol, having lost a brother due to alcoholism. This fact gives me a lot of confidence in the man, knowing that when he assumes his position as President , the decisions he makes will be made with clarity and good sense. This probably goes a long way to explaining his success also. It should worry everyone as to the condition our MPs were in when they passed some piece of legislation late at night in the House of Commons or, indeed, at any other time.

It doesn’t matter who you are. Alcohol is a mind altering substance and affects our inhibitions and sense of values. I have made many life changing decisions that I now regret , whilst under the influence of alcohol and there is no going back. I have allowed myself to be manipulated into situations where I wouldn’t normally have dared to set foot, and been persuade to do things which would not sit well  with me in sobriety. Why should politicians be any different ? Or, do they have a special kind of alcohol which sharpens their wits and enhances their decision making capabilities ? Not the case, I would imagine.

So its nice to know that , in that respect, America is in safe hands in the future.

Once again, Happy Thanksgiving from Scotland.

SoberVision

more to come…