Milestone Time Again…

…and a chance to give myself a congratulatory pat on the back for an achievement which couldn’t even be contemplated just a couple of years ago. The milestone in this case being, that this is article #300 to be published on this website in the 15 months since it began.

A few statistics, but not too many, or I’ll end up sounding like a Tory. Three hundred articles containing an average of 600 words each amounts to some 180,000 words. To put that into perspective, that’s the equivalent of three average length novels or a third of ” War and Peace “. Not bad for an old soak, even though I say it myself, considering I could barely sign my own name 5 years ago. On some occasions I had trouble remembering it.

Of course, just because I’ve found the ability to put 180,000 words in order on my computer’s monitor, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are all good words arranged in well constructed sentences. I’m quietly pleased with much of my work but I’m well aware that some of it doesn’t even scratch the surface of what might be considered ” good prose “.

However, for me, that isn’t the sum total of the purpose of doing this. Recovery from addiction, like everything else we choose to invest our time and ourselves in, should have some long term benefits. Otherwise, what is the point of doing it ? If I didn’t find pleasure and satisfaction in what I do, with no financial incentive, then I’m doing it wrong.

I had many opportunities to embrace a different lifestyle during the performing years. Each time I was buoyed with the exhilaration of my newly found sobriety and set about radically changing everything in my life. Which is no bad thing. Just not all at once. My brain had never had time to recover and was still divided between the life I aspired to and the disaster area I had not long departed. Its not hard to guess which one prevailed, and the time span between each episode became shorter, until barely negligible, as time went by.

Not until we stop using whichever substance we use, do we who choose an addictive lifestyle realise that it comes with no benefits…at all. There are no profits. We aren’t on a ladder to the top of our profession. The only ladders to be scaled are in a downward direction.

Our drug of choice doesn’t tell us that, of course. It convinces us otherwise and our drug affected brains tell us that we are doing the right thing, no matter that the body is screaming for vitamins and food, and that we writhe in self induced pain and discomfort until our drug can be administered. Only then do we experience a peace of sorts, which brings with it , the inspiration to seek out more sources of what, we are now convinced, works for us.

Many in recovery start from whichever lowly position in society they have managed to attain, and can’t be blamed for trying to extricate themselves from the situation they find themselves in. My personal choices to relapse came from the sheer dissatisfaction in whatever I had, all too quickly, set out to do, and reverting to addiction was what I knew best. It was the only way I knew of stamping my foot and getting my own way. Which also ensured a hasty exit from the situation I was in.

Previously, I was always in a hurry to get to some unknown destination. Although, this time, the final destination is still unclear, apart from the obvious, there have been many stops along the way. These stops and the short journeys in between have given me chance to get to know myself a bit better. To find out what my likes and dislikes really are and allow my brain time to heal. A chance to develop real emotions and opinions, and experience real freedom of choice on a personal level.

No one said reality was easy, and at times it might seem preferable to revert to type, but I, personally, couldn’t do it all over again, nor want to. The time I have invested in where I am today is the best investment I’ve ever made. I’ll never be rich or have a well provided for lifestyle, but by allowing myself time to learn about myself, I’ll be able to make informed decisions about how my future is shaped.

So, to all in recovery, remember to pat yourself on the back for even the smallest achievements. No one else will, because they see what you are doing as ” normal “, and haven’t the slightest idea of how much personal angst, courage and personal resolve it has taken to accomplish the simplest of tasks. All the personal pats on the back lead to something much more valuable, which is self approval and inner confidence.

P.S. Don’t be straining any muscles by reaching over your shoulder. Just saying to yourself ” Well done ” once in a while fulfills the same purpose.

SoberVision

more to come…

Individual Thought Processes Differ Enormously…

…but I often wonder how much time an individual spends on original thought these days.

The type of thinking which is encouraged by laying down somewhere peaceful for an hour with some soft music playing in the background. The kind of music, someone may remember, which has a melody and flows gently and uninterrupted towards its final phrase, enhancing the stressless relaxation which allows one to think freely. Unlike the music of today which is simply thinly veiled monotonous propaganda encouraging thoughts in our young people which they would never entertain in the normal course of a day.

The art of thinking for ourselves has become almost non existent because of the technology we are surrounded with and made readily available to each and every one of us by some means. We all like a bargain. In fact, I rarely buy any technology online which I don’t consider to be a bargain, simply because its not affordable for me otherwise. However, these ” bargains ” ensure that the required technology ends up in the living room of those whom companies and corporations wish to target.

The most destructive device of individual thinking is television. Laying down for an hour, as described above, would be impossible if someone was harnessed to a television schedule. It might even be regarded as a waste of time, which could be spent more profitably by watching something interesting on television.

Television now intrudes on every aspect of our lives, and intentionally so. It tells us how to prepare for childbirth and how to raise and educate our kids when they arrive. It tells us how to manage our finances and what budget we should put aside for life events i.e marriage , retirement and house buying to mention a few. It tells us where to go on holiday and what to take with us, thereby removing any sense of adventure. It tells us what to eat and how much. Also, how to prepare it.

It tells us which clothes we should be wearing at any given time and where we should shop for the items they display. It tells us how to sleep and which bed we should have in order to attain it. It tells us to go to the doctor if we have any symptoms of a current virus, so that when you try to make an appointment there are none free for the next 6 weeks. Legal advice is always available at some point during the day and if you are a gardener, there are many programmes which are dedicated to that subject also. It tells us how we should vote and how we should feel about a world situation. It even tells you what you should be watching next.

I could go on, but I think the picture is pretty clear. Television is the ultimate propaganda machine and has a prominent place in most peoples’ homes. Both television and newspapers rely on advertising for their survival. Content is secondary, although they have to make the effort to keep us reading or watching what they have inserted between the ads. Television news is not only ” fake news “, its an example of the worst kind of journalism imaginable. Journalism was never intended to be a instrument of direction or misdirection, but rather as a factual reporting mechanism.

Television removes the effort of thinking and joy of discovery from our lives, leaving us more time to deal with the important things in life, like working and buying stuff. I can remember the sense of achievement I felt when, after a few botched attempts, I was able to change my children’s nappies. Nowadays, young people are expert at these things without there being a child anywhere on the horizon. Sadly, not so expert when it comes to thinking and working out things for themselves.

I stopped watching television ( apart from Formula 1 ) some years back, in early recovery from my addiction to alcohol, partly because I felt something was missing when I sat watching the usual programmes, but mainly because of how mind-numbingly boring it became. I objected to being bombarded with irrelevant advertising and subliminal ( sometimes blatant ) moralistic innuendoes in the main feature.

After a week of no television, I began to feel a sense of freedom from the shackles which bound me to my armchair and a sense of victory over those who would have me glued to a television screen all day in order to satisfy their agenda.

So I swapped a television screen for a computer monitor, some might say. Maybe so, but at least I have an element of control in what I do during my time here and complete choice in what I elect to watch or study. The internet is full of advertising which is easily ignored if I’m focused on the topic I’m researching. Pop-up and unsolicited ads annoy the hell out of me , but not for too long, and it irks me some that someone might be gathering data about me. However, I take some consolation in that the main object of intrusion is sitting silently until the next Formula 1 meeting or until my wife comes home.

Meanwhile, I’ll have a cup of tea, roll a cigarette, stick the headphones on, listen to Acker Bilk playing ” Strangers on the Shore ” and ruminate about what I’m not going to conform to next.

SoberVision

more to come…

The Maze of Recovery…

…has taken me down some interesting paths over the years and I’ve encountered many dead ends on my search for freedom from my addiction. The maze of recovery is completely different for each and every one of us who choose life, instead of the road to certain destruction.

I mention this because I started this blog as a means to track my recovery. To give me something I could look back on and be able to discern how I felt at certain times and how I dealt with it. But the other day I realised that I hadn’t written anything to do with recovery for a while. Other subjects have crept into my life and I have been spending a great deal of time researching them and writing about them.

Does this mean I’m cured ? Does this mean that I have finally mastered the delicate balancing act that separates me from my doom ?

Not a bit of it I’m afraid. I’m still precariously perched on the thin dividing line and I have constant reminders of my past continually presenting themselves in my mind without my invitation. But maybe I am moving forward. Maybe I’ve dispelled some of the guilt I had. I used to think that I had no right to be writing or trying to make sense of my addiction, because of my past. I used to think that I had to sit in the corner in silence and behave myself, as I did so many times as a child. I used to think that I had to do as I was told, because everyone knew better than me, because they hadn’t spent the best part of their lives in a stupor and being looked after by the state.

I’m into my sixth year now of abstinence from mind altering substances. Staying away from them doesn’t present as much of a problem these days as it did in the early days. However, its difficult for others to understand the recovery process unless they have been in the situation themselves. Few people realise the damage that an addicted person does to themselves, and that includes the addict. Learning to cope with everyday life and trying to slot into a family setting or group can be an onerous task. Everything is juxtaposed to what we had become accustomed to as addicts.

Both physical and mental damage was inevitable, when I look back. and that all takes time to heal. Going from the person you thought you were to who you really are doesn’t happen overnight. I used to think of myself as the Oliver Reed of nonentities and when I meet people in the area where I live, they still remind me of things which happened many years ago, causing me acute embarrassment, I have to say. They don’t know that of course. Whatever happened, happened, albeit with a few embellishments over the years, and I have to take it on the chin and move on.

So, I suppose there have been a few important milestones on my journey through the psychological maze. The most important being my acceptance of my addiction. That alone makes things a bit easier because the problem has been identified.

Also important was the realisation that, just because I had given up drinking, it didn’t follow that the rest of the world was going to stop just to ease my progress. Alcohol and drugs are here to stay and will be part of our society for the foreseeable future, but they have no space in the lifestyle I have chosen.

Lastly, because I have chosen my way of life myself, I can’t really complain, and if something goes wrong, I’m in a position to fix it myself. I’m no longer in the situation where I put the onus on other people to fix me. The one overriding reason being , they can’t.

Meanwhile I’ll continue on my journey through this maze we call life, with all its intricate twists and turns. As time has progressed, the dead ends have become fewer and problems have become solvable. Living has become the much preferred option to how I existed before.

SoberVision

more to come…