…and a chance to give myself a congratulatory pat on the back for an achievement which couldn’t even be contemplated just a couple of years ago. 
The milestone in this case being, that this is article #300 to be published on this website in the 15 months since it began.
A few statistics, but not too many, or I’ll end up sounding like a Tory. Three hundred articles containing an average of 600 words each amounts to some 180,000 words. To put that into perspective, that’s the equivalent of three average length novels or a third of ” War and Peace “. Not bad for an old soak, even though I say it myself, considering I could barely sign my own name 5 years ago. On some occasions I had trouble remembering it.
Of course, just because I’ve found the ability to put 180,000 words in order on my computer’s monitor, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are all good words arranged in well constructed sentences. I’m quietly pleased with much of my work but I’m well aware that some of it doesn’t even scratch the surface of what might be considered ” good prose “.
However, for me, that isn’t the sum total of the purpose of doing this. Recovery from addiction, like everything else we choose to invest our time and ourselves in, should have some long term benefits. Otherwise, what is the point of doing it ? If I didn’t find pleasure and satisfaction in what I do, with no financial incentive, then I’m doing it wrong.
I had many opportunities to embrace a different lifestyle during the performing years. Each time I was buoyed with the exhilaration of my newly found sobriety and set about radically changing everything in my life. Which is no bad thing. Just not all at once. My brain had never had time to recover and was still divided between the life I aspired to and the disaster area I had not long departed. 
Its not hard to guess which one prevailed, and the time span between each episode became shorter, until barely negligible, as time went by.
Not until we stop using whichever substance we use, do we who choose an addictive lifestyle realise that it comes with no benefits…at all. There are no profits. We aren’t on a ladder to the top of our profession. The only ladders to be scaled are in a downward direction.
Our drug of choice doesn’t tell us that, of course. It convinces us otherwise and our drug affected brains tell us that we are doing the right thing, no matter that the body is screaming for vitamins and food, and that we writhe in self induced pain and discomfort until our drug can be administered. Only then do we experience a peace of sorts, which brings with it , the inspiration to seek out more sources of what, we are now convinced, works for us.
Many in recovery start from whichever lowly position in society they have managed to attain, and can’t be blamed for trying to extricate themselves from the situation they find themselves in. My personal choices to relapse came from the sheer dissatisfaction in whatever I had, all too quickly, set out to do, and reverting to addiction was what I knew best. It was the only way I knew of stamping my foot and getting my own way. Which also ensured a hasty exit from the situation I was in.
Previously, I was always in a hurry to get to some unknown destination. Although, this time, the final destination is still unclear, apart from the obvious, there have been many stops along the way. These stops and the short journeys in between have given me chance to get to know myself a bit better. To find out what my likes and dislikes really are and allow my brain time to heal. A chance to develop real emotions and opinions, and experience real freedom of choice on a personal level.
No one said reality was easy, and at times it might seem preferable to revert to type, but I, personally, couldn’t do it all over again, nor want to.
The time I have invested in where I am today is the best investment I’ve ever made. I’ll never be rich or have a well provided for lifestyle, but by allowing myself time to learn about myself, I’ll be able to make informed decisions about how my future is shaped.
So, to all in recovery, remember to pat yourself on the back for even the smallest achievements. No one else will, because they see what you are doing as ” normal “, and haven’t the slightest idea of how much personal angst, courage and personal resolve it has taken to accomplish the simplest of tasks. All the personal pats on the back lead to something much more valuable, which is self approval and inner confidence.
P.S. Don’t be straining any muscles by reaching over your shoulder. Just saying to yourself ” Well done ” once in a while fulfills the same purpose.
more to come…
An Ex Drunk's View From The Driving Seat 